Category Archives: Love

Apologize

From the very first moment that I heard this song played on the radio I became speechless. The song has impacted me so much that I even thought of myself as selfish and self-centered. I know that I am not a perfect person and I may not always be right on decisions that I made in the past but I do think about the people that I may have wronged. If there is one thing that I could change about myself I would say that I wish I was wiser back then. If only I could relive my life I would’ve been more expressive and open about my feelings towards the people that I care. Is there such a thing as reading people’s mind? Will I ever know the logical reason why some friendships fall apart? I guess, everything happens for a reason. Ah, life is like a cryptic puzzle. The more I think about it, the more I become mystified by my own enigmatic life.

Btw, band’s name is OneRepublic (featuring Timbaland)

 

 

 

 

Morning After

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The morning after you left

I stand alone by my window,

You never looked back.

I grasp the chance to

Call your name and

Hear your voice

For one last time,

But you didn’t hear me.

I thought of running,

Screaming on top of

My lungs but to no avail.

It seems hopeless now

And I shiver.

I hear nothing as I took

my last breath,

The morning after

you left.

 *idotmatrix* 11.22.07

I, Thank You

There are so many people in my life that I sometimes neglect and ignore. There is no logical reason and great excuse why I do this kind of unexplainable action. I am not the kind of person who can openly show my emotions to any stranger. A lot of people would often misinterpret that I am snobbish, cranky, moody (which is true, by the way *teehee*) and such but you know what? I am just being me. Words are not enough to describe how I feel whenever I think of the people in my life that really matter to me. I know that I may even forget to mention all your names and I may not even recognize your faces because I’ve only met some of you through cyberspace yet I am thanking you all for being a part of my life. I just woke up a few minutes ago and it dawned on me that I haven’t thank anyone of you. Some of you might not even read my blog because you guys are particularly aware that I am a very private person but I can be mentally crazy too and shall I say, that I also possessed some kind of a wicked and dry sense of humor (hehh!). In homage to Thanksgiving holiday we are celebrating today, allow me to thank all the VIPs in my life:

Family:

Mader and Pader: Yeah, I know I am being a sentimentalist here but anywho, I am really grateful for all your sacrifices, your sleepless nights everytime I get sick, all your patience for trying to keep up with my “kakulitan” and I know that sometimes I don’t show my affection towards you because I know that you guys know that you know what I know that I don’t know what I really know that I know that I still don’t know…hahhaha….I love you Mader and Pader! Afirrr! Kiss!

Abby: Dear sister, I congratulate you for passing NCLEX with 75 questions! You did great sis! Goodluck in everything and I wish you all the best in life. What to do next? Listen to Ate (that’s me) and get a job! Hirap na ako! Lol…I know you’re job hunting but I just wanna remind you again…where can we meet up for lunch? McDonalds? My Thai or Tank Noodle?

Bradder Otah: Thank you for cleaning up my room though I can no longer find my stuff. Thank you for cooking soup when I get sick, thank you for doing my laundry, thank you for taking care of our humble abode but most of all, thank you for brewing coffee every morning. Ano gusto mo sa pasko? Don’t tell me Notorious B.I.G. cd again? No thanks, I am already broke!

Bradder R: I hope you are okay. I know you have a family now but don’t forget us. Keep in touch and yes, we still care for you. Whatever happens, we’re still family. Call me sometime.

Coco, Coca, Hana, Taylor and Kalbo: Crazy birds! Thanks for keeping me sane lol. Everytime I hear you guys whistling in the wee hours of the morning, I feel like throwing away my alarm clock coz it no longer serve it purpose. You, little birdies rock! Ginigising nyo ko ng wala sa oras! Bwisit!

Nakey: My glutton Beagle pup. I don’t see any reason why we have you at home. Wanna know why? You LOVE to eat (just like moi), you love to nap (that’s me, too), and you love to poop (di ako yan! deny agad hehehe). But still, I love you not just because you are such a glutton but because you give such pure joy in my life 🙂

Real life buddies/Online friends:

Trish and Charity: Yo! Sexy ladies! You know a lot about me and I thank you guys for keepin’ it real. Thanks for keeping in touch Cha although you’re in Big Apple now. Trish, thank you for listening to me whine about my life and such. Group hug!

Maurice: Oy, where are you now? Wala na akong driver! Are you in Pinas now? How’s Nursing school? Whatever happened between you and Abby, it’s just between you two pa rin (lol). Bruha! I still have your digits but where the hell are you? Gimme a sign…ET come home! ET misses you! ET is lost without you! Need a map? Btw, may bagong album si 50 cent…just in case you’re lost in a middle of nowhere….Miss na kita!

Kuya Iggy: I feel so lab by you! Thanks for leaving a v-message on my mobile! You’re my Kuya talaga! Sweet! How’s your family? I’ll text u later…

Online Buddies/Trivia addicts/Fellow bloggers:

I am not gonna mention any more names. Sakit na fingers ko typing. I’ve been typing since 5 am. Thanks for being my lovely friends who loves me (lol). I love all the things that you guys do, that’s why I love you all (touche!). Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Naked Tree

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It would seem funny that I now realize something: my life is like a tree. It has so many ups and downs. So many obstacles and if am not strong enough, I will surely give up. I admire this particular tree outside my house though it stands alone, it does not lose hope because after the treacherous and frigid winter season, it will become alive again.

When I moved here in my current residence, I never really understood the meaning of living alone. I’ve always wanted to live alone, by myself, away from my siblings and family. I still haven’t experience living alone because I always wanted to live with my family. There will come a time that I will move away from home. I wonder when it would happen but I always knew deep in my heart that I will move away and live alone with someone.

So now, as I am admiring this tree outside I feel a little bit nostalgic about the thought of moving away someday and leaving my family behind. Too many memories. But just like trees, I must learn how to move on and accept changes.

photo taken: 11-14-07 *idotmatrix*

Wonderfully Blind

Wonderfully Blind

I wonder when this ever
complicated world
of ours will suddenly crumble and crush
your will of living,
will your sufferings be forgotten?

I wonder when you
woke up this morning and honk
your car in earnest,
did you even think that you are
not alone?

I wonder when I phoned you
yesterday were you even
aware that I called?
Were you even listening
To my little voice and wonder
That I too, exist?

I wonder why your name
pops up to mind
as I am writing my thoughts?
Silly thoughts you may say
and I disagree my friend,
because you are blind.

*idotmatrix* 11-13-07

If

If I say that I am honest with every little thing that I do would you even dare to believe what I mean to say? If I suddenly perish amongst lost souls searching for the true meaning of this cycle we people call life, will you even care that I exist? If I bluntly and selfishly ignore all these words that are raging through my head and waiting to burst some time soon, will you even have enough courage to decipher the mysteries inside? If my world will suddenly crumble and lost its meaning, will you even think that I was once yours?

If I knew that I would be doubting my existence now, I wouldn’t mind being born again and when it happens, I will be truly grateful over and over again that I have met you. But people changed. Time changed. Every little thing changed. Seasons changed. And I, too have changed. I am rambling not because I am just another inker but because I care.

I care because I am letting you go…

Broken rose

I remember the day I made my Mom cry. I am not a hostile person and I don’t harbor ill feelings towards anyone especially my family…or Mom. Vivid memories of my childhood no matter how happy or tragic it was, still haunt me like it only happened yesterday.

I don’t recall of ever saying how much I love my Mom. In fact, I grew up with a lot of insecurities, being rejected openly is the key to my aloofness when I was growing up. Being alone most of the time made me feel complete and happy somehow. I think my cousins think I am some kind of a nut case back then though they never said a word, actions speak louder than words.

Waking up in the morning and eating breakfasts together with my family is one of the most exciting part of childhoold. I would openly sit in the corner with Juki, our family dog, and eat voraciously. Though I would rather stay that way, me being oblivious with all the hooplah and endless chatter from my family, Mom would always look at me and not say a word about the situation.

I would often locked myself in my bedroom, listen in the radio, read a book and just be myself. I was a loner. I am still a loner. If you ask me now if I would do the same thing I did back then, I would honestly admit that no, I wouldn’t dare do the same thing again. I love being with people, all the people that love and care for me, I wouldn’t even trade them for any thing in this world.

I remember the morning I made my Mom cry. I couldn’t get up. My body ached horribly. I complained of having a terrible headache. I thought I would die right there and then. I was sick for months. My Mom patiently cared for me and though she never utter a single word of how I felt like I was some kind of a burden to her, I know that she love me. During those days, I would pretend that I was sleeping and I would hear my Mom sing a childhood lullaby. Mom never tried to finish the song. Her singing is often replaced by silent sobbing. Hearing my Mom cry for me is the most unforgivable and unforgettable thing that ever happened in my life. It hurt like my heart is being cut into a thousand pieces and never be in one piece again.

How could I hurt my Mom like that? Why did I let my Mom suffer so much? Those are questions that I still ask myself after so many years. I considered myself a broken rose then. As I recall of the past, I am glad I have Mom in my life. I know for sure without any doubt that my Mom will never read this (she’s not into computers…:) ), let me at least dedicate this open letter for her.

It’s a simple yet powerful message for you, Mom….Arigato gozaimashite. Okasa, I love you.